How are you? A little light-headed? Eyes puffy from crying? I heard that. Come here and give me a hug. The Price was heavy, babies, it was heavy! And then BAM TWIST! Whoof. We went THROUGH it last night, I understand, get a goblet full of the finest beverage and let’s talk about it here in tumblr land.
So we started things off with Francis doing great. Mary had him on some alternative medicine herbs kick and it was doing him wonders, even if he didn’t particularly like his medicinal pastilles.
But geo-politics are not going to pause for Francis to pull it all back together. Life was ready to come crashing down in the form of Mary de Guise sending a very coded message about needing more troops, stat. I love this kind of ancient high tech stuff, a cipher, I mean the time before technology is so interesting, it’s like kids playing in their back yards but forever.
Meanwhile across the channel we finally met Elizabeth’s dog!
Look at that adorable bulldog! As usual, William was like “Get married, tick tick tick, where is our male baby, it is embarassing everybody to tears that a Queen is in charge ,also the King of Spain wants to marry you.” Elizabeth was like “Sheesh I’ll meet him chill out.”
Meanwhile Lola and Narcisse were heading off to their honeymoon when Catherine started throwing shade on Lola for “marrying her lover” and Lola was like “For your grandson’s sake please stop putting rats in my bathtub.” Which made me cackle out loud because that does NOT affect baby John. Nice try Lola, unless you’re taking that baby in the bathtub with you don’t try to play the baby card. Also Catherine’s necklace was rad.
Catherine was like “Rats in your bath? Nasty” and Narcisse overheard and was like “Shit Catherine’s about to tip my hand about planting rats in Lola’s bath” and intercepted Lola. Don’t worry about the man behind the curtain, girl, it’s honeymoon time.
Meanwhile Don Carlos was being smooth as hell.
I loved how the show hit on Elizabeth’s “Stay in Your Lane” policy re: religion. Wanna be Catholic? Wanna be Protestant? Do you thing, mind your own. Few people I think really appreciate how revolutionary that approach was and is. Basically one of the first examples of a chill ruler separating Church and State. AAAAGH Elizabeth was like perfect as rulers go and if I start talking about how amazing and brilliant she was (she used to translate greek TO RELAX) I will literally never stop.
You know who also loves Elizabeth? Dudley. He was like “How about you just be single forever?” and Elizabeth was like “…I’m listening.” But he has selfish reasons for wanting to preserve her anatomy i.e. being her side piece. (I legitimately got chills when Elizabeth was like “this is over” and he was like “You are my Queen but in this i will not obey you.”
Dudley also sent Amy home from court and Amy looked pretty miffed about it. You could tell by the fact she was wearing an orange dress that she was at her wit’s end trying to keep this man happy.
Oooph. No happy woman reaches for an orange dress.
So war council time: Francis was like “SEND SOLDIERS!” and then Charles came in and was like “SEND WARSHIPS!” but then immediately the war ships got sunk by England’s super speedy frigates and Catherine was like “Why are you not asking me about England’s navy I was literally just over there.”
Anyway, Francis was like “MORE SHIPS! KEEP THROWING SHIPS AT THIS PROBLEM!” but Mary was like “I think I can solve this by using my brain” and then totally duped Nicholas, showing off her cipher, then leaving out a letter to her mom with misinformation in it. It’s called statecraft, guys. Mary saved hundreds of lives. After losing hundreds of lives? Look it’s hard to be a ruler when you’re a teenager and also you can’t be un-elected.
I did love when she told off Nicholas. I am not generally a “Yaas Queen!” kind of lady but I did actually say the words “YAAAAS QUEEN” after she was like “I hope you have strong wings vulture!” I’m going to remember that line the next time someone cuts in front of me at the seven eleven.
So also Catherine was throwing a dinner for the last guy she needed a vote from to become regent, and he was being a real d-bag.
There was this horrible story he told her about how his daughter had gotten her foot crushed by Catherine’s carriage and then been rejected by suitors so many times she’d killed herself and was now dead. Catherine was like “Of course she is.” and then basically was like “Well, fuck it.” and took off with Claude, and it was genuinely a charming little interlude.
Meanwhile Don Carlos wanted to see Elizabeth’s lady parts.
OKAY. Batten down the hatches, but like a year and a half ago some idiot published a whole book about their theory that Elizabeth I was actually a man in drag, and let me just say:
1) all of these “Elizabeth was a man” arguments boil down to the sexist disbelief that one of the greatest politicians of all time was a woman. Elizabeth was a genius and some people can’t wrap their brains around the fact a woman founded England’s greatness as a superpower.
2) Elizabeth was seen unclothed or in sheer undergarments a ton and never at any point did anyone claim she was a man. She was sort of kind of sexually abused by her stepfather Thomas Seymour who ripped her nightshift into a thousand pieces. She was seen running after Dudley just in a transparent shift more than once. Lady was a lady.
3) Political bodies were endlessly handled by nobles, physicians, and attendants. During a poison attempt early in her reign, Elizabeth was given multiple enemas before recovering by a physician whose doings were very public. Guess what he didn’t find when he was down below the royal petticoat? Balls. That’s what.
Anyway, Elizabeth channeled my rage nicely. Don Carlos was trying to shade her, shame her and degrade her and she wasn’t having it.
Mmmm, red flag girl, red flag. She should have asked him to show his first.
Meanwhile Narcisse was being shady as shit on the honeymoon.
That having been said Narcisse’s villa and village and what not was legit adorable. I know, he’s shady Lola but like shhhhhh. Also this whole episode was shot really beautifully. There were all these dope tracking shots and zooms and it was really gorgeous. Except for this part, this was PAINFUL LOOKING…
Bash’s horribly scalded chest! Hahahaha this happened in the middle of Greer’s new tavern and he’s was not even phased. He was all"Ugh annoying Delphine is in trouble" but looking at the size of that beaut I have to say, if I got a burn that severe I would literally collapse and quite possibly pass away. Bash has got some stamina! He was also sick of going through Vaseline by the fistful so he questioned a man in a fabulous cassock…
Then rescued Delphine from the Sisters of St. Agatha, who were purifying her soul by laying a BURNING IRON CROSS on her flesh! Um, I smell spin off.
Anyway, when Dudley found out Amy had started the rumor about Elizabeth maybe having a dick, he responded reasonably.
JK that is spousal abuse. My Good Lord. Here I was liking Dudley and now I’m like “nope. Take that trash back to the dump.” Let me tell you, a guy hits a woman once and I am done. I have a zero tolerance policy for this kind of fuckery. Elizabeth is way better off single than with Sir Chris Brown over here.
Nope nope nope. Oh boy. Run Amy run. Run Elizabeth run! This dude is bad news.
Also, after Lola called Narcisse out for being shady and they had a little bicker about it, Catherine reminded Narcisse that being shady was his essence and she loved it and then she reminded him she was a lot more fun and then slinked down the hallway in an extremely sexy fashion and basically what I’m saying is I want to grow up to be Catherine. All young women should want in their hearts to grow up to be Catherine.
Anyway, so Mary’s cipher caper tricked Nicholas into feeding Elizabeth misinformation that cleared the way for Mary de Guise’s supply route. Mary had used her head to save lives and solve a problem. Season one Mary did a lot of this, season two Mary was just trying to maintain, so it’s good to see her back to optimal scheming mode. Charles and Francis were talking about how awesome she was politically and then the FEELS began with Francis falling off his horse…
So like I’m a grown ass woman, I’ve seen fire I’ve seen rain, I was like, I can deal with a little angst. Francis is not doing so great and Mary is at what is possibly his deathbed, but I can handle it. I understand these are all actors and there’s a camera and everything is going to be fine.
And then Mary started talking about their imaginary kids.
Done. I was done. I really didn’t expect to be gotten but I was got. There is nothing more humiliating than crying while wearing headphones but that was me, in front of my computer, watching this, sobbing like a thrice-slapped bitch. This scene was legit amazing. And then damn, there came that ear blood.
BUT THEN HERE CAME DELPHINE THE HEALER! Bash was like “She can save a life but hte price is like, another life” and Mary was like “DO IT I will die for Francis if need be” and I was like “OMG do tears break keyboards because I may need a new keyboard.”
Delphine though, she had to be tired. I mean, Bash had JUST rescued her and CHarles had JUST showed up and forced him to bring her back to Court and in all of this had Delphine gotten any sleep? A snack? A chance to change out of the dress that some crazy nuns had tortured her in? No. Girl was exhausted and she had a royal life to save.
But she did it. Francis has made it through. Delphine was like “Sometimes you take a nap, and sometimes a nap takes you” and passed out. I have never related to a TV character so deeply in my life.
But then….Mary de Guise died. WHUT. Shit dudes. Mary’s mom’s life was the price! Shit. And then that promo?! That promo guys…that promo might as well have said “stock up on kleenex, prepare yourself mentally, next week something intense is going down.” Granted something intense is always going down, it’s Reign, but I need to be held. Hold me!
Thanks again for looking up my review here on my very Twin Peaks heavy tumblr. You likes and notes and comments are everything, I read them all and they make my life. Have an amazing week & let’s talk again next Friday!
And the Lord spake, saying, First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin.
Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.
Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three.
Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three.
Five is right out.
Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuf it.
Your value as a person is not at all dependent upon the quantity or quality of writing you produce
Your identity as a writer is not at all dependent upon the quantity or quality of writing you produce
Your stories are still important even if they can only live in your head
You are still important even if you can’t tell your stories right now (or ever)
Having a story that fails or flops or stops or falls apart doesn’t mean that story is worthless, a waste of time, and you are not worthless or a waste of time because you couldn’t see the story through
Don’t tell yourself getting published is your capital-G Goal, and that you’re worthless until you’ve been published. The goal is to practice that art that makes you so happy. If you’re writing specifically to get published, you’re no longer writing for you.
You are still important whether you last wrote ten minutes ago, yesterday, a month ago, or three years ago.
People, your parents, society, capitalism will tell you all of these things aren’t true. Fuck them.
And please be kind to yourselves and to your writing.
Love,
A writer who has learned all these things the hard way so maybe you guys won’t have to
Wow. I never thought of these things this way; thank you so much. But when you say a story that has failed isn’t a waste, I don’t really understand. If it doesn’t work out why was it even worth it in the first place? An honest question.
All writing is growth. Every story, every word, every day you can manage to get up and actually be creative is so very worth it.
Your “failed” stories were important to you while you were writing them, and even though you’re no longer that person, it was necessary for you to be that person to grow into the person you are now. Every step along the way is what’s gotten you to where you are now.
Of all the things I keep trying to tell cis people, “don’t presume your child’s gender” is the one that they consistently, deliberately refuse to understand and it is so deeply telling.
You cannot truly understand the transgender experience, and cannot count yourself an ally, until you accept that the trauma of being transgender is not inherent, it is a product of being coerced into thinking that you had absolutely no choice but to be the gender you were assigned.
Not “born with”, not “biologically”, the gender you were assigned.
The problem is assignment. The problem is doctors and parents believing it is their place to dictate their child’s gender, starting before they can even conceptualize what a gender is, let alone have the mental development necessary to object to what they’re given. This defines a child’s entire life, cuts short countless possibilities. It etches itself into the fabric of our developing minds and it is a ticking psychological time bomb for those children who are given a gender assignment that they cannot or do not wish to live with. This culture of dictated identity must end if transgender people are ever to be regarding as whole and equal members of society.
